I have only played about 45 minutes of Goat Simulator.
I think that's enough.
Some people might think the idea of a shoddily made sandbox game, where you get to run amok as a goat is hilarious. Some will love the fact that the game gives you an achievement after the game crashes. Isn't that great? How about the way you can slow down time at any moment and do crazy flips at anytime? Huh?
Yes, much like Jazzpunk I reviewed earlier this year, humour is very subjective and as a result, everyone is going to have their own take on Goat Simulator.
The problem with Goat Simulator though is that its mere existence is a joke within itself. The game was quickly hatched up during a game jam session and the developers at Coffee Stain Studios are at least honest about the quality of their game. The Steam product page for the game actually states that this is a very stupid game and your money is probably better spent elsewhere. I recommend that you pay attention to this advice. Goat Simulator would be inoffensive if it was a free download but at $10, this game is a disgrace.
So what do you do in Goat Simulator? Well, all you do really is explore a relatively small environment (compared to most sandbox games) and cause carnage. As a goat, you can head butt, kick, lick (which acts like a grappling hook), jump and do silly flips. Just for the sake of it, you can also enter slow-motion and ragdoll modes at any point, because that's... funny.
The game has a scoring system in place that is similar to the Tony Hawk's Pro Skater games where you are trying to combo a string of actions together. So you can head butt things, lick people and jump over crates, to score points.
The problem is that causing chaos in the world of Goat Simulator gets boring almost immediately. There are a lot of objects to break and interact with, in some fashion but all of them act almost identically. All objects feel like they weigh about as much as a feather and even when you encounter people, most of them don't even react to your presence. There is no failure state in Goat Simulator. You can't die, there is no time limit, you just fart about and make stuff happen.
Oh and what do points do? Absolutely nothing.
Aside from that, there is a list of different challenges for you to finish. These are all mundane tasks like, stay in the air for 6 seconds or do a double front flip. These tasks are tedious and aren't worth doing but the sad thing is, this is the only element in the game that makes Goat Simulator actually feel like a game.
The only other important aspect of the gameplay is that there are plenty of secrets to find. While the environment isn't that big, there is a decent amount of random stuff to discover. For example, there are secret items that can give your goat new abilities. Being able to fly around using a jetpack while shooting tennis balls has its charm but like the rest of Goat Simulator, it gets old within seconds. There are also just a bunch of weird references and gags that might entertain some but really didn't do much for me.
I discovered all of the above within my 45 minutes of gameplay. I know there is more for me to find but I just don't care enough to play anymore. I was bored very quickly with Goat Simulator and I didn't laugh once. The game's product page brags about the fact that the game has millions of bugs but that's not funny, that's just crap. The game is terribly optimised too, which is bizarre because it's a terrible looking game. You get the feeling that Goat Simulator was just shoved out the door just to make a quick buck, just because of the basic concept of the game.
Goat Simulator is horrendous. Please do not buy it.
ONE OUT OF FIVE
(A terrible game whose positives aspects are practically nonexistent.)